"The Courage to Be Disliked: Reading Notes on Adler's Philosophy Course, the 'Father of Self-Help'"

Author: Ichiro Kishimi, Fumitake Koga
Recommendation: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Introduction:

A young man deeply trapped in inferiority, incompetence, and unhappiness hears a philosopher's claim that "the world is incredibly simple, and everyone can be happy," and decides to challenge it. The two engage in a back-and-forth of thoughts and debates. As nights pass, the young man begins to ponder, why is "so-called freedom, being disliked by others"? The issue lies not in what the world is like, but in what you are like.

For the first time, a book is presented in the form of dialogue, where various life topics arise from the conversations between the young man and the philosopher. These topics include happiness, love, character, and the exploration of life's meaning, with many viewpoints being unconventional, which you may find hard to accept at first. The key concept of Adlerian psychology is courage; taking on freedom and responsibility requires fearless courage. Our hesitation and inability to change stem from a lack of courage to do so. Adler views many matters through a teleological rather than a causal lens; past pains are in the past, and future changes require forgetting that pain. One should not let past suffering prevent personal change; the goal is to change one's life, as any experience itself is not the cause of success or failure.

The book also tells us that interpersonal relationships are a source of troubles. In relationships, many people live in others' worlds, where parents dictate what can and cannot be done, and one may become entangled in others' words for a long time, overly concerned with others' opinions. If one could free themselves from interpersonal relationships, these issues would dissipate, but humans are social animals, and one cannot escape interpersonal relationships, so a proper mindset is necessary.

In the past and even now, I have been very concerned about others' opinions. If I say something wrong or am disliked, I feel guilty, wondering if it's because I didn't do well or why I'm so inadequate. Do others really pay that much attention to you? Perhaps not. Adlerian psychology denies the pursuit of others' recognition, telling us that "we do not live to meet others' expectations," and there is no need to satisfy others' expectations; one should live for oneself.

Adler teaches us to separate our own "life tasks" from those of others, not to interfere with others' tasks. Many parents, colleagues, and friends will say things like "I am doing this for your good," telling you what you should and shouldn't do, which is a typical manifestation of control. Even if someone dislikes you, that is not your task. This is something I have experienced before; someone said they didn't like me, and I told them I didn't need everyone to like me. It is difficult for anyone to be liked by everyone.

Other insightful and thought-provoking viewpoints:
"To not fear being disliked but to move forward bravely, to not go with the flow but to forge ahead, this is true freedom for a person."
The starting point of interpersonal relationships is "task separation," and the endpoint is "community feeling."
Opposing a reward-and-punishment style of education, develop horizontal relationships, and encourage more.
"A person can only gain courage when they feel they have value."
Building a sense of community requires three things: "self-acceptance," "trust in others," and "contribution to others."**

Summary

Introduction#

Once a person grows up, they become troubled by complex interpersonal relationships and burdened by numerous responsibilities. Work, family, or social responsibilities, it is all there.

Night One: Whose Fault is Our Misery?#

The young man has lacked confidence since childhood, harboring a strong sense of inferiority regarding his background, education, and even appearance. Perhaps because of this, he often cares too much about others' opinions; moreover, he cannot sincerely wish others happiness, often falling into a painful state of self-loathing.
If one only focuses on the past causes, attempting to explain things solely by those causes, they will fall into "determinism." In other words, one would ultimately conclude that our present and even future are entirely determined by past events and cannot be changed at all.
Adlerian psychology does not consider the "causes" of the past but rather the "purposes" of the present.
"Any experience itself is not the cause of success or failure. We do not suffer because of the stimuli in our experiences—the so-called psychological trauma—but rather we find factors that align with our purposes from our experiences. What determines us is not past experiences, but the meaning we assign to those experiences."
Life is not given by others, but chosen by oneself; it is about how one chooses to live.
We all live for some "purpose." This is teleology.
The first step to change is understanding.
Answers should not be obtained from others but should be found by oneself. Answers obtained from others are merely symptomatic treatments and hold no real value.
Attention should be focused on "how to utilize what is given."
A person can change at any time and in any environment. The reason you cannot change is that you have made the decision to "not change."
If you describe yourself as an unhappy person and say you want to change immediately, even wanting to become someone else, yet still cannot change, why is that? It is because you are continually making the decision to not change your way of life.
The future is unpredictable, and life will be filled with uncertainty; there may be even more painful and unhappy lives awaiting you. In other words, even if people have various complaints, they still believe that maintaining the status quo is easier and more reassuring.
Adlerian psychology is the psychology of courage. Your unhappiness is not due to the past or your environment, nor is it due to a lack of ability; you simply lack "courage," or more specifically, "the courage to attain happiness."
One must have the determination to "abandon the current way of life."
I have a young friend who dreams of becoming a novelist but always struggles to produce work. He says it's because he is too busy with work and has very little time to write, and he has never participated in any competitions. But is that really the case? In reality, he wants to preserve the possibility of "I could do it if I tried" by not entering competitions, unwilling to face the reality of being judged or rejected due to poor work. He wants to live in the possibility of "I could write if I had the time, I could write if the environment were right, I have this talent." Perhaps in five or ten years, he will start using excuses like "I'm no longer young" or "I already have a family."
Adler's teleology states: "No matter what happened in life before, it does not affect how one lives in the future." What determines one's life is the "you" living in the present moment.

Night Two: All Troubles Come from Interpersonal Relationships#

To avoid being liked, you only see the flaws and not the strengths.
Lacking self-confidence, holding a pessimistic attitude towards everything; being too stubborn; overly concerned with others' opinions, always living in doubt of others; unable to live naturally, always feeling like they are acting. Many people have this character.
What I can do is first help them accept "themselves as they are now," regardless of the outcome, and first instill the courage to move forward. Adlerian psychology calls this "encouragement."
Why do you hate yourself? Why do you only focus on flaws and refuse to like yourself? It is because you are too afraid of being disliked by others and fear being hurt in interpersonal relationships.
Human troubles all stem from interpersonal relationships.
Dealing with interpersonal relationships leads to troubles; each person is an individual, and individuals have differences.
Inferiority comes from subjective fabrication.
I often think to myself daily: perhaps I have no value in living.
Is the inferiority that troubles us not an "objective fact" but a "subjective interpretation"?
We cannot change objective facts, but we can change subjective interpretations at will.
Value must be established on social significance.
Correspondingly, there is inferiority. People are in a state of pursuing superiority, striving to establish certain ideals or goals and working hard towards them. At the same time, one feels inferior when unable to achieve those ideals. For example, a chef with grand ambitions may feel increasingly "inexperienced" or "must make better dishes."
If handled properly, inferiority can also become a catalyst for effort and growth.
How to compensate for one's shortcomings? The healthiest posture should be to want to compensate for shortcomings through effort and growth, such as diligent study, hard practice, and hard work. However, those without such courage will fall into an inferiority complex. Taking the previous example, one might think, "I cannot succeed because of my low education," and further suggest their ability by saying, "If I had a higher education, I would easily succeed." This means "I am merely buried by the factor of low education; the 'real me' is actually very excellent."
For example, those who boast of being powerful—whether as team leaders or well-known figures—are actually trying to show that they are a special existence. Falsely inflating resumes or excessively pursuing brand-name clothing also belong to a characteristic of power display and superiority complex. These situations suggest that "I" was originally not excellent or special. By combining "I" with power, it seems that "I" am excellent. This is "false superiority."
Those who want to take pride in their achievements, those who are obsessed with past glories and only talk about their former accomplishments, you may have such people around you. These can all be referred to as superiority complexes.
Arrogance is another manifestation of inferiority.
The so-called "pursuit of superiority" means continuously moving forward, not being superior to others.
Do not compete with anyone; just keep moving forward yourself. Of course, there is no need to compare yourself with others.
If that competitor can be considered a "partner," it may benefit self-study. However, in most cases, competitors cannot become partners.
Do others really pay that much attention to you? Do they monitor you 24 hours a day, waiting for an opportunity to attack you? Probably not.
"Unable to sincerely wish others happiness" is because one considers interpersonal relationships from a competitive perspective, viewing others' happiness as "my failure," thus unable to give blessings.
Do not fall for any provocations.
Once interpersonal relationships develop to the stage of revenge, reconciliation between the parties involved becomes nearly impossible.
Admitting mistakes does not mean you have failed.
I am right, which means the other party is wrong. Once you think this way, the focus of the debate shifts from "the correctness of the claim" to "the way of interpersonal relationships." In other words, the belief that "I am right" means insisting that "the other party is wrong," which ultimately evolves into a win-lose struggle of "therefore I must win."
Admitting mistakes, apologizing, and withdrawing from power struggles are not "failures." The pursuit of superiority is not achieved through competition with others.
The goals in behavior are as follows:
① Independence.
② Harmonious coexistence with society.
Moreover, the psychological goals supporting this behavior are as follows:
① Awareness of "I am capable."
② Awareness that "everyone is my partner."
The number of friends or acquaintances holds no value. This is a topic related to the theme of love; what we should consider is the distance and depth of relationships.
As distance decreases, relationships deepen.
If the other party is happy, then being able to sincerely bless them is love. When a person can feel "I can be free with this person," they can experience love. There is neither inferiority nor the need to flaunt superiority, maintaining a calm and natural state. True love should be like this.

Night Three: Let Those Who Interfere with Your Life Go to Hell#

We actually struggle to live in various "constraints"—having to interact with people we dislike, having to endure the faces of unpleasant bosses, etc.
Adlerian psychology denies the pursuit of others' recognition.
Only by obtaining others' recognition can we feel "we have value." Through others' recognition, we can eliminate inferiority and increase self-confidence.
We all feel that we must gain others' recognition to have value!
Under a reward-and-punishment style of education, a false way of living arises: "If no one praises me, I won't do good things," or "If no one punishes me, I will do bad things." It is first the hope of receiving praise that leads to picking up trash. Moreover, if one cannot receive any praise, they will feel indignant or resolve never to do such things again. Clearly, this is an abnormal way of thinking.
We "do not live to meet others' expectations."
You do not live to meet others' expectations, and I do not live to meet others' expectations. There is no need for us to satisfy others' expectations.
"If you do not live your life for yourself, then who will live for you?" You live in your own life. If you say you live for someone, it is certainly for yourself. If you do not live for yourself, then who will live for you? Ultimately, we still live for ourselves. There is no reason not to think this way.
Even if God does not exist, even if one cannot gain God's recognition, we must still live our own lives.
Separate your life tasks from those of others.
All interpersonal relationship conflicts arise from interfering with others' tasks or having one's tasks interfered with by others. As long as task separation can be achieved, interpersonal relationships will undergo tremendous changes.
Parents in the world always say things like "I am thinking of you." However, parents' actions sometimes clearly serve their own purposes—face, vanity, or control.
Parents troubled by their relationships with their children often easily believe: the child is my life. In short, they view their child's tasks as their own, always considering the child, and when they realize it, they have already lost themselves.
Others do not live to meet your expectations.
This distress stems from interpersonal relationships—first, please clarify the boundary of "this is not my task"; then, please let go of others' tasks. This is the first step to lighten life's burdens and simplify it.
To build good interpersonal relationships, a certain distance must be maintained. If the distance is too close, sticking together, one cannot have a proper conversation with the other party.
If there is a "return thought" in interpersonal relationships, it will produce thoughts like "because I did this for you, you should give me a corresponding return."
Living to satisfy others' expectations and entrusting one's life to others is a way of life that lies to oneself and continuously lies to those around them.
Task separation is not self-centered; on the contrary, interfering with others' tasks is a self-centered thought. Parents forcing children to study or dictating their life plans or marriage partners are all self-centered thoughts.
Living to please everyone is an extremely unfree way of life and is also impossible to achieve.
If you want to exercise freedom, you must pay a price. And in interpersonal relationships, the price of freedom is being disliked by others.
Even if someone dislikes you, that is not your task. Moreover, thoughts like "I should be liked" or "It is strange that I am not liked despite my efforts" are also a form of return-thought interference with others' tasks.
To not fear being disliked but to move forward bravely, to not go with the flow but to forge ahead, this is true freedom for a person.

Night Four: Have the Courage to Be Disliked#

Community feeling?
Transform self-interest into concern for others.
In reality, those who cannot perform "task separation" and are overly fixated on the desire for recognition are also extremely self-centered individuals.
Living in constant concern for "what others think" is precisely a self-centered way of life that only cares about "me."
A sense of belonging is not something one is born with; it must be obtained through one's own efforts.
The starting point of interpersonal relationships is "task separation," and the endpoint is "community feeling."
Neither criticism nor praise is allowed; this is the stance of Adlerian psychology.
The purpose of praising others is to "manipulate those who are less capable than oneself," with neither gratitude nor respect involved.
Neither praise nor criticism. Adlerian psychology refers to this type of assistance based on horizontal relationships as "encouragement."
People fear facing tasks not because they lack ability. Adlerian psychology believes this is not an ability issue but purely a "lack of courage to face tasks." If this is the case, one should first regain the courage that has been frustrated.
Use "thank you" to express gratitude to partners who help you, or use phrases like "I am very happy" to convey your genuine joy, and "you have been a great help" to express gratitude. This is the encouragement method based on horizontal relationships.
How can one gain "courage"? Adler's insight is: a person can only gain courage when they feel they have value.
You are currently viewing others through the "behavior" standard, which is the dimension of "what that person has done." Indeed, according to this standard, an elderly person who is bedridden can only rely on others for care and seems to be of no use. Therefore, please do not use the "behavior" standard but rather the "existence" standard to view others; do not judge others by "what they have done," but rather express joy and gratitude for their existence itself.
When we look at others, we often first arbitrarily fabricate an "ideal image for ourselves" and then evaluate it as if doing subtraction.
For example, think about the situation in a company. In a company, it is practically impossible for the president and a newcomer to form an equal relationship, right? In our society, hierarchical relationships are a system, and ignoring this is to ignore social order. A newcomer around 20 years old cannot speak to the president as they would to a friend, right?

Night Five: A Serious Life "Live in the Moment"#

It is not about affirming oneself but about accepting oneself.
Transform self-interest into concern for others, establishing a sense of community. This requires starting from three points: "self-acceptance," "trust in others," and "contribution to others."
Self-affirmation is suggesting to oneself "I can do it" or "I am strong" even when one cannot, which can lead to a superiority complex; it is a way of living that lies to oneself. On the other hand, self-acceptance means honestly accepting the "self that cannot do" if one cannot do it, and then striving towards what can be done without lying to oneself.
Affirmative optimism? The term optimism inherently contains the meaning of "seeing clearly." Seeing the truth of things is "optimism." This is not pessimism.
Young man: What does trust here refer to? Philosopher: Trusting others without any conditions. Even without objective evidence sufficient to constitute trust, one still believes, without considering collateral or similar matters, trusting unconditionally. This is trust.
Adlerian psychology does not advocate "unconditionally trusting others" based on moral values. Unconditional trust is a "means" to improve interpersonal relationships and build horizontal relationships. If you do not want to improve your relationship with that person, you can completely cut off the relationship with the scissors in your hand because cutting off the relationship is your own task.
The essence of work is contributing to others.
Influencing and contributing to others as partners is what constitutes contribution to others.
If this contribution is "for others," it will inevitably be a painful self-sacrifice. On the other hand, if this contribution is "for oneself," it is a complete hypocrisy. This point must be clarified.
We should not think about what others have done for us, but rather what we can do for others, and actively practice it. As long as one possesses this spirit of contribution, the reality before them will take on a completely different hue.
If one is happily humming a tune while washing dishes, children may come over to help or at least create an atmosphere conducive to helping.
There is a saying in Jewish doctrine: "If there are 10 people, there will inevitably be 1 person who will criticize you no matter what happens. He dislikes you, and you do not like him either. Moreover, among the 10 people, there will be 2 who can become good friends who accept everything about each other. The remaining 7 will be neither." In such times, do you focus on the person who dislikes you? Or do you focus on the 2 people who like you very much? Or do you focus on the other 7 who are the majority? Those lacking harmony in life will only focus on the person who dislikes them to judge the "world."
Unsuccessful interpersonal relationships are neither due to stuttering nor due to fear of blushing; the real problem lies in the inability to achieve self-acceptance, trust in others, and contribution to others, while focusing on trivial aspects and attempting to evaluate the entire world based on that. This is a mistaken way of living that lacks harmony in life.
"Because I am busy with work, I have no time for family." However, this is actually a lie about life. It is merely using work as an excuse to evade other responsibilities. Household chores, parenting, friendships, or hobbies should all be given attention; Adler does not endorse any lifestyle that emphasizes one aspect over others.
"Work" does not merely refer to working in a company. Work at home, parenting, contributions to the local community, hobbies, etc., all constitute "work"; companies are just a small part of it. Focusing only on work in a company is a way of living that lacks harmony in life.
A person can only feel their value when they can sense "I am useful to others." However, this contribution can also be realized in invisible forms. As long as there is a subjective feeling of "being useful to others," that is, a "sense of contribution." Moreover, the philosopher concluded that happiness is "a sense of contribution." Indeed, this is one aspect of truth.
When the wish to be particularly excellent cannot be realized—such as when learning or exercising does not go smoothly—one may turn to "hoping to be particularly poor."
Rejecting the ordinary you may mean understanding "ordinary" as "incompetent." Ordinary does not equal incompetent; we have no need to deliberately flaunt our superiority.
"Viewing the process itself as a result," dancing is like this, and traveling is the same.
The moment you step out of the door, "the journey" has already begun; every moment on the way to the destination is part of the journey. Of course, even if you cannot reach the pyramid for some reason, that does not mean you have not traveled. This is a realistic life.
If the purpose of climbing a mountain is not to reach the top but to climb the mountain itself, then it can be said to be a realistic activity. Ultimately, whether or not one can reach the summit does not matter.
It is okay not to have a goal. Living well "in the moment" is itself dancing. Do not make life too profound. Please do not confuse seriousness with profundity.
If you live each moment seriously, there is no need to make it overly profound.
Because of this, when we encounter difficulties, we should look forward and think more about "what can be done in the future?"
There is no universal meaning. However, you can give meaning to such a life, and only you can give your life meaning.
Just as travelers rely on the North Star to travel, our lives also need a "guiding star." This is an important point in Adlerian psychology. This great ideal is: as long as you do not lose this pointer, you can move forward in this direction and attain happiness.
As long as you have the star of contribution to others in your heart, happiness will surely accompany you, and friends will be with you!
We should live each moment of "the present moment" as seriously as dancing, neither looking at the past nor the future, just living well in every concluding moment. There is no need to compete with anyone, nor is there a need for a destination; as long as you dance, you will surely reach some place.